"Misplaced Soldier"

"Irrelephant - a pachyderm of no consequence."

"I was emo before there was emo."

"If you ever do something really bad, do something smaller too and admit to that."

"I didn't say it would be easy. In fact, I specifically remember saying it would be tough."

"The curators of public opinion are made obsolete by the Internet."

"If God is so cruel, how come there's so much good in the world?"

"Good work, lowly minion. Have a biscuit."

"As a budding magician, try to perform in pubs. Drunk people are easier to impress."

"I couldn't reach the heavy box just overhead, so I got on my rollerblades."

Putting the "fun" in "fungus"!

"My Aibo scared my Roomba."

"It's frustrating to live in the future."

"Budgies in Space"